The definitive idiot’s guide to causing yourself stress and failure.

by Captain Walker

Categories: Humanities

Yes after years of careful research into the human condition I’ve now come up with the ‘Definitive Idiot’s Guide‘ to causing yourself stress!

Well, they say every little helps. I’ve been motivated to write this because I see so many people trying so hard to cause themselves stress, that I decided I needed to provide a practical guide.

The way I see it, if you’re gonna do it do it; do it well – and have a reference manual as well.

  1. Waste your time. I mean seek out ways to convince yourself that you’re working productively – but in reality spread out the work so that it consumes any time available. Don’t just confine this to work. Apply it in every aspect of your life.
  2. Never plan anything. Just go with the flow. Do it – whatever – any old time. Unleash your creativity on life!
  3. Watch loads of TV and listen to the radio all the time.
  4. Drink yourself drunk on a Sunday night, so you’re properly hung over on a Monday morning.
  5. Believe that God or some other mystical being will guide you to the promised land.
  6. Reject any helpful suggestion to improve your life or performance. After all everybody is against you.
  7. Be stubborn – not just average ‘stubborn’ – I mean reject anything that causes you any discomfort.
  8. Hang out with idiots – I mean seek them out and gain support from them.
  9. Blame everybody else for your life’s problems:
    1. you’re overweight – it’s your parents’ genes that caused it.
    2. you don’t have enough money – well you don’t spend anything really, and you earn too much money – so ‘what the heck’s the matter with the world?’ you must ask yourself.
  10. Forget what happened yesterday or months ago. What do you care? All that matters is tomorrow.

Well it’s a work in progress – and there is no deadline. So this idiot’s guide has to live up to it’s principles. I’ll finish it any old time. How’s that?

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