How to be popular–twenty core tips.

This is a summary of my tips on being popular. Of course they are experience-based, as against objectively evidence-based or researched. And the reason I know they work is because I almost never use them – but I see others using them and succeeding a lot of the time.

1. Smile nearly all the time – even when you don’t feel like smiling.
2. Say what a great day you’re having.
3. Accentuate the positive. Remember everybody needs a delusion to cope with life’s pressures, so your sign of success is an inspiration to them.
4. Compliment people – even when they achieve minimally and could use a good kick up the arse, or out of the job.
5. Appear to be Mr & Mrs Supportive – yuh know, speak slowly in a soft empathic, emotional tone, and appear to understand exactly ‘where the other person is coming from’.
6. Add extreme eye contact to the above, with hands clasped and head leaning to one side slightly.
7. Always nod – I mean do this like it’s going out of fashion.
8. Say ‘Yes’ to nearly everything. Never appear to disagree.
9. Don’t ask questions – just do as you’re told.
10. Never, ever, challenge bullshit!
11. Never form an opinion – cuz that’ll be seen as judgemental, and you don’t want to be seen ever as judging people. ‘Tis a cardinal sin!
12. Be a friendly teacher. People in the vast majority are dependent fools, who just love to have their hands held and taught how to do things. Teaching is the way to create dependence and induce confidence in the other in yourself.
13. Do people favours. As soon as they ask for a favour, say ‘Yes – no problem’. Never hesitate.
14. Make people cups of tea, cook food for them, wash their cars, wash their dishes, clean their toilets, mow their lawns, and sort out their gardens – basically volunteer for everything. Induce dependence and confidence that you’re such a darling.
15. Send people postcards and greeting cards on time, every time. People are suckers for this.
16. Wish people well, hope that they feel better, and offer to massage their back if they’re in pain.
17. Give advice – and believe in the advice you give or sound like you do. Everybody loves an expert. But back off at the first sign of disagreement.
18. Whinge occasionally about the weather or your boss. Those things really connect with people. Yuh know, it makes you look human instead of a robot.
19. When dealing with women always ask if they’ve lost a bit of weight! Even though you’re just asking, it’ll be taken as fact that they are losing weight – and 99.9% of women are suckers for that sort of compliment.
20. Still on women – always say that they appear younger, prettier, more lively – even if you have to lie!

Which leaves you now possibly to wonder why I don’t use these tips.  I exhale in exasperation. Do the words ‘hypocrite’ and ‘schmoozer’ mean anything to you?! Chrysst!!! If the question did cross your mind, it probably means you’re a blind to the concepts. Shame on you! Go away!!