From no longer a friend

I’ve lost count now, the number of posts I’ve made on the nature of ‘friends’ and ‘friendship’. I’ll hyperlink to some of them at the end. If you jump straight into the conversation below you’ll miss the context, which I explain in the next paragraph.

The Story

This is a chat conversation from Google Hangouts with someone I knew very well back in the days of Uni. We spent many hours together. We lived in rooms immediately adjacent to each other. We shared meals and very long enjoyable conversations. A very intelligent chap indeed. Naturally we lost contact with each other  for many years. But we happened to find each other – I can’t remember how now – probably online after a long gap. We then exchanged telephone conversations, emails and chat messages. He read from this blog and made many positive comments about my style of writing, likening it to that of the late Sir Vidya Naipaul. He encouraged me to write more and consider writing books. Suddenly there was a blank space for many years (as you see below). But in that time, I would still send chat messages with links to things he might have been interested in, on average once or twice per month. There were no replies, though I could see that those messages were delivered. But never in that time did I get an email or other response from him.

Then suddenly out of the woodwork comes the following chat in Jan 2021:

Mr V: 6 Jan, 13:29 – Hey. How are you? [Seriously? You pop out of the woodwork and that’s your first line? Like I’m supposed to just pick it up and start talking about me? He’s having a laugh.]

CW: 6 Jan, 20:47 – Still here. Well. I haven’t heard from you for about 3 years. [At this point I hadn’t checked when I last heard from him. I realised that I needed to check and discovered how time contracts in the memory of my own mind.]

Mr V: 10 Jan, 02:53 – I know. Been busy. Hope the Pandemic is not too harsh on you. [Busy? So busy for the last 3 years – subject to my contracted memory – that you couldn’t spare 2 seconds to make one response or send and email?]

CW: 13 Jan, 23:12 – I just checked all chat messages. The last chat message received from you prior to 6th Jan 2021, was not 3 years ago. It was 2nd Nov 2013. That’s 2630 days or 7 years 2 months. [I checked and was surprised to find out it was that long and how my memory compressed ‘time’]

Mr V: 17 Jan, 13:58 – Time flies when you’re having Fun. What’s up with you? [Sure time flies. It does get compressed in our memories, I have to admit. But 7 years? In 7 years a) he had not seen my messages OR was so busy that he couldn’t take 2 seconds to send a message? I can’t accept that.]

Reflections

I haven’t responded to message of 17th January – and heard nothing more. I allowed this to process in my ‘unconscious’. The big issue was ‘How to respond OR should I respond at all?What do I do next?  I require no advice from anybody. I often document what I do as part of my diary.

My mind went back to another similar conversation with another so-called friend from back in the old days. He contacted me out of the blue, with some yarn – after a huge gap of about 3 years (on that occasion the gap was correct). I asked him what was the purpose of his contact after the delay. I got some deflecting bullshit. I said to him that I had no time to waste. Furthermore, he had obtained my contact details when some fool on a certain Rock (a first cousin), released my contact detail when they bledy well knew they should not. There was no point to keeping up a superficial conversation with this so-called friend. I sacked and blocked him.

I also reflected on another UK local person from way down south, who I struck up a so-called friendship some years ago. We would have been in contact almost every week by WhatsApp. Then one day some stranger from the Rock, messages me. After pulling some teeth I discovered that it was the so-called friend who consciously shared my contact details with the stranger, without my consent. Both were blocked instantly. No warnings, nothing – just lights out.

Then there was another similar to Mr V, so-called friend.  I had called up Mr P a few years ago after  long break.  Two or three telephone conversations followed and some emails exchanged. Then nothing after a few months. When I called again, his son said he was at home but couldn’t find him. He must have been living in a massive chateau to get lost, obviously. He stopped responding to emails. Outcome: sacked.

I’ve even done a lights out on one of my parents for irreparable breaches of trust and confidence. So – so-called friendships are of a lower order.

Considerations

I could go on to list other examples of how I’ve blocked and erased other people – but it’s not necessary for my decision-making. My pattern is based on the following:

  1. I don’t need so-called friends (or family) like the above.
  2. They have nothing of non-tangible value to exchange.
  3. They are simply in reality superficial acquaintances – and some are relics of a past life; a different time.

There is a sense that maybe I’ve been harsh, in the back of my mind. I think that arises from a kind of nostalgia or emotional sense of loss or sense of separation from a ‘herd’ I was once part of. The reality though is that I’ve lost nothing. I can’t lose a ‘friendship’ that had already been lost or badly damaged by sense of trust seriously breached in some instances (according to my values). And so I stepped out of myself, to wonder if I am being punitive. I can’t say I am being that way. I could derive no satisfaction from that. I have no need for it.

Conclusions

  1. Mr V will be blocked and erased.
  2. All like Mr V will be treated in the same way; quite dispassionately.
  3. Time is very precious to me, in my later years.
  4. I cannot allow myself to be occupied or delayed by those sort of meaningless ‘relationships’.
  5. I have to make decisions and move on.
  6. I cannot be enslaved by what arises from instinct (the herd instinct to be more precise).
  7. Those who rise to my values and levels of trust/confidence will remain with my journey  – but they too get dismissed if they mess up badly. (I’ve shared this post with them).

Supplementary on friendships etc.

  1. Why I have no friends?
  2. Friend or fool?
  3. Disregard by friends…
  4. What’s the measure of friendship?

Disclaimer & Guidance

The reading of posts on this blog is subject to the Terms & Conditions. Unpalatable truths and personal experiences may be told. Nothing posted on this blog is directed at any identified person. On occasions individuals are quoted anonymously. That does not mean that they have been identified to the world. Should any person or organisation reading this blog find something that makes them feel or know that they  are being referred to – any such perceived identification does not mean ‘identified to the world’. ‘Stupid‘ is an impish figment of my imagination who occasionally is allowed to pop up – and does not represent any known individual, individuals or groups. The treatment of  ‘Stupid‘ is not representative of the way people are treated in real life. Adverse inferences made are dismissed in advance.  

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