Icing on the cake and a nightmare! LOL!

I am icing on the cake!! I can actually boast about that – because someone has said it. I have evidence. Oh -but I’m also a nightmare! Well to understand how I have been so described, one may have to spend sometime reading. Errhh.. should I apologise for stating that? I shall not – cuz I’m icing on the cake. 😂 Some are already tempted to scroll down the page instead of understanding the context explained below.

Context

I was in search of some lodgings via a certain website. I put up an advert. It’s the same advert basically from 5 years ago with a few minor amendments. I’m not desperate for lodgings I as I have the means to pay double of what I stated I would like to pay i.e. £500/month. In the particular area – having done my research – and for the time I would spend in the lodgings which is roughly 8 hours per day 5 nights per week on most weeks (90%) –  that’s a fair price. Tough if others didn’t like my preferred price. My advert was detailed so as to give people sufficient information about me for a right match. And – they had the option not to respond!

Right – so then I expressed interest in a few adds. My advert below is anomyised. Interleaved are highlighted paragraphs from the response I received in an electronic inbox at the site (basically it’s called email). The paragraphs from the response are interleaved near to the most relevant parts of my advert. It’s not a lot really. A certain impish figure is banging on the door – I might let them in just for  a bit o’ fun later on.

The advert with responses

Interleaved responses are in green. My thoughts in yellow.

I’m posting a lot of information about me, only to be as transparent as possible. In the past I’ve caused some inadvertent discomfort because some commented that I have “a lot of requirements”. I like to be clear at the outset. The whole point of setting out the detail here is to ensure you know about me for a good match. That’s all.
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I am a keyworker. I’m a senior xxxxx  professional working well away from home at a secure facility. I am fully DBS checked with no criminal record. Ideally location should be near to XXX area. And then the final insult is that you want all of that for £500 a month! Unbelievable because as such an important senior xxxx you must surely earn a decent salary.
I see – so because I’m rich in their eyes I should just hand over my money to the poor and stupid. What a loadah manure! If I was poor and on benefits it would be acceptable, right? What a moron! Tough shit – I offer what I want based on fair value. I’m not here to save the poor from COVID or any other sort of woes! 
Those responding to this advert should provide FULL details of their property. If your offer does not have photographs I’m unlikely to respond. I set out my requirements and my profile carefully only in order to save time and avoid possibility of misunderstanding. When responding please provide FULL information including advert numbers. I do not have sufficient time available during my working hours or after hours, to call everybody who responds to get details over the phone.

I DO NOT require accommodation that fixes a term. I would really prefer week to week or month to month – which could end up being several months. But because I don’t know how long my place of work will need me, I cannot commit to a long term let. I explain this in greater detail below.
—————————— —————-
As I used to provide lodgings for students at one time, I think it’s important to know who you’re having and what they’re about. I will treat your home like I would my own with respect and care.
Hopefully I can find some reasonably comfortable quiet accommodation to allow me to study and relax after work. I’m particularly interested in accommodation within 5 min drive from of Premier Inn XXX XXX Hotel (as a landmark).
I do not wish to be bound my a minimum term, as I cannot say with certainty how long I will be in the area. This means I CANNOT sign up to a contract for weeks or months. [It’s just the way your XXX is working at the moment. It’s your government who invented this stuff, not me.] Some weekends I will not be there as I head back home 200 miles away. But there could be weekends in a row, where I need to stay over.

I don’t play loud music. I keep very much in contact with colleagues by internet and by my own phone, so a wireless internet access is pretty essential. My work involves much travel. I have a car that would need to park fairly safely at least nearby or on side of street (in a free parking zone). After work I would have a glass of wine or two. I am not a Muslim. I do no follow any religion.

I’ve travelled due to work to nearly every major city or town in the UK. I pay a lot of attention to detail – which does not mean I like causing a problem. I simply do not enjoy leaking taps, squeaking doors or windows that do not shut properly or rooms cluttered with junk. [This does not mean I’m saying your offered accommodation will be like that. It’s just that I’ve seen strange things in places I’ve visited]. Rooms must be adequately heated by the provider when I’m in it, to a minimum of 19.5 Celsius. I’d normally occupy the room between 18:00 and 08:00 except if it is a weekend I’m staying over. I carry two thermometers. I only do that because of experiences at hotels and B&Bs where heating became a problem. My goodness you sound like a nightmare I was reading through and it was all going well until I saw your two thermometers et cetera. 

I’ve said it so many times before. People don’t like detail. What they want is waffle that allows them to screw me over with a junk-filled poorly heated room. Why do people tell me the obvious?!! FFS. I very well know I’m a ‘nightmare’ – a description used by idiots who don’t like detail and just want to grab my money cuz they feel I am rich! The bledy cheapskate obviously wants to cut off the heat at night save a few pennies to fatten their own account, at my inconvenience. I’m not obliged to serve them!  

Good luck with that is all I can say.

Oh please – what a  hypocritical wanker. They don’t really wish me good luck at all. What you want to say is F* off! I just like it straight!

I’ve had some strange lodgers here but I think you would be the icing on the cake.

Yep – the top 1% – statistically proven from the age of 11! But they don’t know that. When you’re that high up, you are very strange indeed – but thankfully very different from the strange at the bottom of the pile. They think they’re insulting me – obviously. Do I give a monkeys? I do NOT! 😂 I have my money very safe – as well as my peace of mind. 

There must be a shower because I do not like wasting water filling bathtubs. The shower must provide water at a standard rate of flow of water and heated to a minimum of 37.5 C. I’d take a shower between 19:00 and midnight. Toilets must flush properly. The specificity of some of these things are based on my experiences at other places. I am a European Certified mystery shopper (This does not mean I am mystery shopping your premises).

Because of security requirements in my line of work, I do not and will NEVER provide a mobile phone or landline number. The only contact number I will provide is a non-geographic xxxx number – charged as a local rate call. It finds me directly wherever I am. My number does NOT receive text messages. I do NOT send text messages to anyone. All calls to my number are automatically recorded – to avoid misunderstandings. If you do not wish for conversations to be automatically recorded – do not call the number (there are no options). I don’t do drugs. I do not wish to share a property with anyone who does cannabis or other drugs for personal use.

If you got this far, you’ll find me as a person rather different to what this profile might cause in your imagination. I’m remarkably relaxed and enjoy meaningful conversation. If the above are too many requirements, or if you think I’m too much, do not respond. Watch the last sentence.

No reply necessary although I don’t expect you want to write back in the usual fashion and use some unique method of communication. Hilarious!

Obviously they didn’t get to the last sentence in my advert – or felt so incensed that they had to get one in.  Well, I agree on hilarious – it really was! 

Stupid:  You looked for the response you got. You are a nightmare!

CW: Absolutely! I love those kinds of responses. They give me great insight into human nature. I am everybody’s worst nightmare. F* with me and you suffer!

Stupid: Arrogant! You are not entitled to tell people in such detail what your needs are.

CW: And you are stupid! I determine my own needs and there is nothing that prohibits me from stating them.

Stupid: They’re not suffering anything!

CW: I couldn’t give a flying banana! In reality they’re suffering a lack of joy for ripping me off! I’m so satisfied that my money is safe and I don’t have to deal with yet another fool in close physical proximity to me.

Stupid: Your using big words again. How condescending!

CW: What – you think I’m gonna apologise to you! Cold day in hell!

Stupid: Well surely you’re spending far more that the £500/month at the moment.

CW: Sure – and I don’t give a monkeys about that.

Stupid: You moron! Why? And who’s gonna read a long advert like that anyway.

CW: Because I’m getting the value for my money and peace of mind, in a well heated place with very decent facilities. I don’t know who’s gonna read a long advert like that. I know that some people have actually appreciated the advert, have responded positively and I’ve gone around to see their place offered at around £520/month. Those did not work out because COVID regulations prohibited me from accepting. I’m not explaining it.

Stupid: But. . but.. no.. wait.. stop..

CW: No – I decide. You had enough time out of the cage! Poof! You’re gone!

Disclaimer & Guidance

The reading of posts on this blog is subject to the Terms & Conditions. Unpalatable truths and personal experiences may be told. Nothing posted on this blog is directed at any identified person. On occasions individuals are quoted anonymously. That does not mean that they have been identified to the world. Should any person or organisation reading this blog find something that makes them feel or know that they  are being referred to – any such perceived identification does not mean ‘identified to the world’. ‘Stupid‘ is an impish figment of my imagination who occasionally is allowed to pop up – and does not represent any known individual, individuals or groups. The treatment of  ‘Stupid‘ is not representative of the way people are treated in real life. Adverse inferences made are dismissed in advance.  

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