Estimated reading time at 200 wpm: 5 minutes
Picture the scene: a psychiatrist, armed only with a clipboard and a dwindling supply of professional dignity, receives a memo that reads like the fevered output of a late-night brainstorming session fuelled by expired coffee and unchecked optimism.
“Facilitate trauma reenactment sessions using high-definition gaming platforms,” it begins, as though this were a perfectly reasonable therapeutic intervention. “Design aggression modulation workshops featuring roundhouse kicks and nunchucks,” it continues, with the kind of bureaucratic confidence usually reserved for budget approvals and fire drill protocols.
Whether or not you agree our Fat Disclaimer applies
Empowerment seminars centred around virtual bazooka usage are apparently the new frontier in mental health care. Nasal realignment workshops via controlled karate strikes? Absolutely essential. And the pièce de résistance: curating ward inventories to include punch bags named after past victims—because nothing says healing like a personalised uppercut.
“Introduce Sensory Erotic Rebalancing Protocols featuring quality visual stimuli,” the memo adds, with the kind of euphemistic flair that could only be born from a committee meeting.
The enlightened rehabilitation programme
Punch bags
Encouraging individuals with impulse control issues to rehearse uppercuts in a communal setting may not be the most effective method for de-escalation. Bonus points if the bag is named after a past victim.
GTA IV access
A game where cars can be hijacked, civilians shot, and police evaded is an unconventional choice for reinforcing boundaries and respect for law enforcement. It could be considered a digital CBT module.
Karate lessons
The ancient art of controlled violence is presented as a structured way to learn how to break noses with precision and grace. Clients will learn self-control and restraint.
Sensory erotic rebalancing protocols
Erotic visual stimuli are proposed as a method for addressing pent-up frustrations and promoting emotional equilibrium. This is evidence-based, on Freud’s theories.
Therapeutic justifications
Agency and empowerment
Virtual bazookas are suggested as a means of empowerment.
Emotional regulation
Roundhouse kicks and drive-by shootings are proposed as methods for promoting emotional regulation by inverse dysregulation. This is known as the ‘paradoxical effect’.
Trauma-informed
Reenacting trauma in high definition is presented as a way to heal. ADHD especially is caused by trauma according to Gabor Mate, who diagnosed Prince Harry with ADHD. All ADHD clients to be prioritised.
Libidinal displacement theory
Sensory Erotic Rebalancing Protocols are justified by libidinal displacement theory, which posits that pent-up energy can be redirected through curated visual stimuli. Again, Freud is the authority on this.
Staff meeting: summary of the business plan
A scenario is imagined where a person who set fire to an ex-partner’s house and assaulted three officers is given access to GTA for its storyline about betrayal and revenge. Karate lessons are added to teach discipline, nunchucks are considered for the ward inventory, and Sensory Erotic Rebalancing Protocols are introduced to address pent-up frustrations. Good results are expected with in weeks if not days!
Reputational risk mapping: the punchline
Managing a medium secure unit is likened to a live-action reboot of Fight Club meets Grand Theft Auto. Containment is described as a vibe rather than a policy.
Team engagement meeting
Management: “We need to drive home the programmes, people. This is cutting-edge rehabilitation.“
Nurse Jane: “Absolutely, the punch bags named after victims are a stroke of genius. Healing through uppercuts—who knew?“
Nurse Tom: “And the karate lessons? Perfect for teaching precision nose-breaking – and new impulse control skills. Truly therapeutic.”
OT Specialist Sarah: “I think the virtual bazookas will really empower our patients. Nothing says agency like simulated explosions.“
Psychologist Dr. Green: “Roundhouse kicks for emotional regulation? Revolutionary.”
Social Worker Emily: “Perhaps we could consider—“
Management: “Thank you, Emily, but let’s stay focused on the programmes.“
Emily: “…”
Psychiatrist Dr. Brown: “Maybe we could explore less aggressive methods—“
Management: “Dr. Brown, your humility is noted, but this is the future of mental health care. Let’s not dwell on outdated approaches.“
Dr. Brown: “…”
Management: “And let us not forget the Sensory Erotic Rebalancing Protocols. Truly a cornerstone of our therapeutic innovation. This will work on reducing sexual assaults on staff. Benefits will carry through to discharge. In fact discharge will come sooner!“
Management’s summary
Management: “Excellent contributions, everyone. Now, let’s translate these innovative ideas into actionable SMART plans. Rest assured all staff will be fully supported. We have funding for all equipment needed.“
Punch bag therapy programme
- Equipment needed: Punch bags, personalised name tags.
- What will be provided: Weekly sessions for patients to rehearse uppercuts in a controlled environment. Three punch bags on the ward and four in the gym.
- By when: Fully operational within one week.
GTA IV digital CBT module
- Equipment needed: Gaming consoles, GTA IV software.
- What will be provided: Access to the game as a module to reinforce boundaries and emotional regulation.
- By when: Fully operational within one week.
Karate discipline workshops
- Equipment needed: Karate mats, uniforms, nunchucks.
- What will be provided: Twice-weekly lessons focusing on precision nose-breaking techniques.
- By when: Fully operational within four weeks.
Sensory erotic rebalancing protocols
- Equipment needed: Visual stimuli collections.
- What will be provided: Erotic materials to address pent-up frustrations; 1:1 observations will be suspended; patient’s allowed to lock their doors for as long as they like, once they join the programme. Definitely least restrictive!
- By when: Fully operational within two weeks.
Let’s make this happen, team!
